Guilt in its purest form exists to spur us into action, motivate us perhaps and be the catalyst we need to make amends. But then there's the guilt experienced by working parents and carers...I call this unhelpful guilt.
This kind of guilt can be ever-present, gnawing away daily and we just accept it, try to live with it. We don’t often address it fully or find ways of managing it.
And the problem is that unhelpful guilt is exhausting and now, more than ever, we need to protect our energy reserves. So, what can we do?
Try this - 3 questions to ask...3 practices to take up:
Q1: Who or what are the guilt mongers?
You might find it’s coming from you. Living in the digital age means everybody's lives are in full view via social media feeds. There's a lot of comparison fatigue around: Why am I not living that life? Could I be living that life? There’s pressure to be the best parent or carer with the most beautiful home, cooking and eating the healthiest food, maintaining a brilliant career etc etc…it’s full on!
Practice #1: Notice what’s triggering the guilt. Then try to manage your response to it. Practice interrupting those unhelpful thoughts and reframing them; this technique comes from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/
It's all about sticking to the facts.
Q2: Does everything have to be perfect?
You might need a strong perfectionist drive in your work role, but how do you avoid that seeping over into your wider way of being? Perfectionism is harmful for parenting or caring of any kind because it's not attainable and it can damage our relationships with our loved ones.
Practice #2: Know when ‘good enough’ is ok. Boundaries are your friend here: What’s possible? And what isn’t? Where can I say ‘no’? Managing our energy levels is key because when we’re overwhelmed we're more likely to resort to the default mode of needing things to be perfect. Try to challenge perfectionism when it shows up in unhelpful places and aim at 'good enough' and something a little more sustainable. Take a look at Becky Hall's wonderful book, The Art Of Enough
Q3: What (really) matters to you?
Get some clarity around the bigger picture of your life. So much of responding to guilt positively is about connecting with the choices you are making, your purpose and your values. If you don't know what these are then you are more likely to be derailed by any guilt mongering coming at you.
Practice #3: Keep an eye on the long view.
It's important to take the time to reflect on your bigger choices: Why am I living the life I'm living? What’s important to me? What can I change about it? Or what can I accept? Celebrate what you have. Imagine what your loved ones, friends and colleagues might appreciate about you on your 100th birthday!! Next, think about what you can do - right here, right now - to contribute to that legacy.
It's not an easy 1, 2, 3. These 3 practices are about building mindsets and definitely take some work. But if you want to ditch the guilt you need to put in the effort.
Sorry. Not guilty.