What a privilege to co-deliver a session with the wonderful Nike Siffre this month, part of my monthly Academy conversations for Bright Horizons Work+Family Solutions. We were exploring responses to grief and loss.
It’s an important topic at any time but especially now when so many of us have lost loved ones during this pandemic and all of us have lost aspects of how we once worked and lived. It felt good to lift the lid on the grief.
There’s diversity in loss, as in life. There’s no one way to tackle or manage our feelings of grief. What works for you, might not work for me.
Our culture and faith traditions around grieving can be hugely comforting. Coaching frameworks can support and guide too. I find Stroebe & Schut’s Dual Process model especially helpful.
It’s a model that acknowledges the back-and-forth of grieving and loss. It helps debunk the myth of a linear route through. It highlights two important areas of grieving and, importantly, of coping:
‘loss orientated’ thinking, being, doing i.e., thoughts, feelings, events that focus on grief and process pain, remembering, avoiding relationships, moving away, avoiding feeling better…
‘restoration orientated’ thinking, being, doing i.e., making life changes, doing new things, distraction and avoidance of grief, new roles, identity, relationships…
As we grieve, we oscillate between the two. Grief is, in fact, an ongoing process of regulating and restoring.
Stroebe & Schut’s model is useful because it doesn't just focus on the grief but looks at a person's everyday experiences. It encourages routine. It gives permission to get on with life as part of loss.
Different styles of coping require different support. Perhaps think about who you have around you and what loss-orientated support and restoration-orientated support you might need. What’s helpful? Notice where you are spending most of your time.
Tonkin’s idea of growing around grief also acknowledging that grief doesn't always disappear with time. The grief stays the same, but your life gets bigger.
Whatever the loss, however we might be grieving right now, work and life can/will get bigger and better again…especially as we inch closer to easing the current restrictions for how we are working and living.